Does your friend always exaggerate their achievements? Does he/she go out of their way to make sure people KNOW about these achievements? And is he/she willing to compromise others’ feelings to get their way? If the answers are yes, you might be dealing with an individual with narcissism…
Whether you realize it or not, you’ve probably encountered quite a few narcissists; in school, at work, in your family, or a friend group. Here’s a real eye-opener: Some experts believe that no less than 5% have the condition known as Narcissistic Personality Disorder. That’s, I repeat, 5% OF THE POPULATION that struggle with severe narcissism and this number is on the rise.
That’s 5% having VERY LITTLE empathy, self-awareness, and are willing to manipulate people and situations only to polish their ego. How DESTRUCTIVE. Imagine the toxicity such an individual creates for themselves and everyone around them.
Maybe, since you’re reading this, you’ve previously been within reach of a narcissist’s toxic cycle and wonder how exactly to deal with him/her WHILE preserving your integrity. This post will help you locate narcissists before they hurt you, and, if you think you’ve never met one, it will prepare you for the day that you do.
A Bit About Narcissism
Ancient Greek mythology speaks of narcissism and its repercussions. Have you ever heard about the old tale of Narcissus? To make a long story very short, the mythological character Narcissus visits a lake where he falls in love with his own reflection in the water. He becomes obsessed with his own image, and one day, he tragically falls into the lake and drowns. END OF STORY.
Of course, that’s not exactly how narcissism works in real life, but it has a point. The moral of the story is that excessive egocentricity is self-destructive, and it will cause you to lose sight of WHAT REALLY MATTERS in life. Aspects like family, friendship, and finding true happiness are undermined because of the obsession for one’s own reflection. Narcissus never got to experience the best parts of life because he was too busy seeing himself. His drowning represents a spiritual death; a death that millions of people on this Earth have suffered where all empathy, and thereby all love, is abandoned — just as tragically.
Narcissists are great actors. They know exactly what to do or say to get you on their side or get on your nerves. They don’t play by the same rulebook of compassion and respect that most of us do, because they prioritize THEIR EGO-NEEDS OVER YOUR FEELINGS . Narcissists may not FEEL empathy, but they know that it motivates people and can pretend to be loving and understanding — of course to their own advantage. This is performative empathy.
If narcissists are the actors, then social media is the perfect stage. It’s an ideal place for them to boast about their achievements, looks, and opinions. “Watch this, look at me, hear this.” “Love me” is what they’re really saying. And usually, they’re VERY popular because they know how to create an image. They’ve fooled themselves of their fake image so surely they can fool others. Social media allows them to create the dream world they want to live in; anyone who defies this reality poses a threat.
Narcissists tend to gravitate towards positions of power and are experts at deception. The most harmful type of narcissist is one in position of authority and thereby power. One, because they don’t take their “subordinates'” feelings into consideration. Two, because people might ACTUALLY follow them as leaders, respect their authority, and weigh their manipulative words heavily. And three, people are pushed into a cycle of judgment and control which is no a place for growth (other than growth of stress and anxiety).
As frustrating and draining as it is to be around, they don’t see it. They simply don’t understand that this behavior is far-fetched and doesn’t represent THE REAL THEM . They can’t understand and probably don’t want to. The same way a person with anorexia doesn’t think he/she looks skinny, a narcissist doesn’t think he/she is egotistical. They see no need for change because their behavior is perfectly rational.
This is why Narcissistic Personality Disorder is one of the most difficult personality disorders to treat. How could you change someone who thinks they are flawless? Someone who believes that ALL their shortcomings have an excuse that definitely isn’t rooted in fear of failure or a yearning for acceptance (yes, a little sarcasm). No matter how thoroughly you explain the issue to them, they have no self-awareness or criticality. This prevents them from changing, from growing, from being treated because CHANGE REQUIRES SELF-HONESTY .
The Narcissistic Cycle: 8 Questions
As promised, these are Guides for Growth’s checklist for 8 groupings of questions you should ask yourself to determine whether your friend is a narcissist or not and save yourself from harm.
You’re probably thinking of a few candidates from your life, but please keep in mind that EVERYONE has egocentric traits within them (if they didn’t that would be concerning). That doesn’t mean they are narcissists. You can be arrogant without being narcissistic, you can be selfish without being narcissistic, you can crave attention without being narcissistic. So, take this in with an open mind and steer clear of placing people in boxes where they don’t belong — after all, we’re all just human beings.
Understanding a Narcissist — Why Are You Like This?
Have you ever asked yourself WHY your friend behaves the way he/she does? If more people asked this question before judging one another, the world would be a better place with less prejudice and more understanding. So let’s ask the question: Why do narcissists seek admiration and acceptance from the outside world so desperately? They certainly weren’t born like that, so what happened?
The answer is simple, but HEARTBREAKING: It’s because, at some point in their childhood, your friend was deprived. They were deprived of exactly that: Admiration and acceptance. They were deprived of love. Through NO FAULT OF THEIR OWN, they were placed in a loveless setting where genuine human kindness was not available. If you were never shown what love is, how could you possibly love yourself? You can’t.
All people NEED love. Love is our driving force as human beings, our fuel for positive thinking, and the foundation of true growth. Without it, we can never be happy on a soul level. When we are neglected of our right to be loved, we sometimes compensate by “loving” ourselves a little too much — it’s a simple human defense mechanism. Narcissists never learned to love themselves and therefore fail to love others. THAT’S what starts the narcissistic cycle.
Most Importantly…
Narcissism is on the rise and so should the awareness on it be. Now that you know WHY narcissism occurs, you understand that we’re all just ordinary humans with different stories; even big, bad narcissists who have no care in the world for others are merely insecure humans who had nobody to make them feel secure. Sadly, they do not possess the mental or emotional resources to cope with this abandonment of love.
And that’s where YOU come into the picture. We believe that it’s OUR responsibility to use our limited time here on Earth to create as much good as possible — to grow, to heal, and to guide as many people we can; as many people that are willing to listen and learn.
So please, remember to share this post with anyone you think will benefit from it. Help spread awareness on locating a narcissistic cycle before it causes damage. Lastly, Guides for Growth want to THANK YOU for taking your time and making the effort to grow.
— Guides for Growth