“Be brave enough to find the life you want and courageous enough to chase it. Then start over and love yourself the way you were always meant to.”
—Madalyn Beck
During our precious years of walking this Earth, we, as human beings, are subject to great emotional pain. Over the course of a lifetime, most people will experience overwhelming heartaches, creating deep wounds and scars. Our wounds may look different depending on what we have been through, but what matters is HOW we deal with them… Or IF we deal with them. Subconsciously, we are presented with a choice: Process emotional pain or numb emotional pain?
Because wounds can be so painful, it is easy and tempting to just ignore them; to choose avoidance and pretend that everything is perfectly fine. But… Sooner or later, untreated wounds get infected. In other words: Pain is a natural part of life, but pain that we choose to avoid, becomes suffering.
Suffering is an untreated, open wound that causes great emotional damage on a daily basis. For the most part, when we suffer, we SUBCONSCIOUSLY struggle to accept the fact that we have been hurt in the first place. To deal with our suppressed emotions, we create outlets; deep-rooted channels of expression that we have little to no control over, because we are not aware that they exist. In trying to numb emotional pain, our minds are willing to do unspeakable things that our conscious self would never approve of.
Numbing mechanisms are protective walls that our mind has built to protect itself from further damage. Millions (if not billions) of people are guilty of carrying out numbing behaviors that prevent us from connecting with our true and best selves. To some, numbing emotional pain is even an integrated part of their daily routines and many of these behaviors have become normalized.
So, when reading through the 25 numbing mechanisms, we encourage you to ask yourself, in all honesty, if you recognize these behaviors in your own life or in the people that are dear to you. Thank you for choosing growth!
1. Over-working
Over-working ourselves is a very common numbing mechanism. To protect ourselves from facing the wounded part of us, we bury ourselves in work. TOO BUSY to recognize that we are bleeding, we become stressed, restless, and disconnected. In a lot of cases, being a “hard worker” is a valued trait praised by businesses and organizations and that’s fine. But when success and career over-shadows health and happiness, we have taken it a step too far.
2. Binge Eating
Binge eating can function as a way to numb emotional pain. This is when we temporarily substitute our internal suffering with something that feels good: Food. This behavior is highly addicting, because the satisfaction we feel from bingeing, only lasts for so long. Instead of processing our pain, we lose control and let our sweet cravings get the better of us.
3. Social Media
Using social media is a great way to get inspired, connect with our community, and find entertainment. However, many of us have experienced the feeling when we stop using our phone, and our phone starts using us. Our screen time increases dramatically and mindless scrolling keeps us distracted from emotions that demand to be felt. Like a quick fix, social media is always accessible, instantaneous, and can function as a source of “instant gratification”. Social media USE is fine, but social media ABUSE is destructive.
4. Finger Pointing
Playing the blame game is an easy way to avoid internalized pain. It is MUCH easier and more self-assuring to label someone or something else the cause of one’s shortcomings in life. “I never had a chance of becoming successful because of where I grew up.” “I could never thrive in a loving relationship because my parents are divorced”. You get the picture… However, when you point at someone, three fingers point directly back at yourself. Truth is that nobody other than YOU is in control of YOUR decisions in life. Projecting your internal pain onto the outside world only causes stagnation because growth is found by looking inwards.
5. Painkillers and Over-The-Counter (OTC) Drugs
It’s common knowledge in the Western world that pain is negative. When we feel it, we tend to deny its presence or wanting it gone as fast as possible. We want nothing to do with it. However, important life lessons lie hidden in the times where we experience pain whether its physical or emotional. If we ignore the pain (or take pills not to feel it), we never learn how to cope and heal from it.
“Once you have been in the dark, you learn to appreciate everything that shines”
– Zachry K. Douglas
6. Humor and Sarcasm
Oh, sweet irony… Laughing about things that are genuinely hurtful has become a trend that we subconsciously use to “lessen the blow” when we experience pain. Humor can actually be a good coping mechanism for pain, but if this is the ONLY tool in our toolbox, it becomes destructive. It is essential to the human experience that we learn to be brave and courageously go INTO the pain rather than solely using comedy to numb it.
7. Excessive Exercise
Exercise is great! TOO MUCH exercise is harmful — not for our bodies necessarily, but for our mental health. When we take good things to an extreme, they become bad. “Why would we take it to an extreme?” you may ask… Because we do it out of fear. For example, if your root cause for working out is fear of becoming severely overweight, your intention is based out of fear, and that’s when compulsions can occur. Instead, we should turn our attention inwards and ask WHY we have this fear in the first place. What are we running from? Follow the link to learn how to outgrow bad habits.
8. Smoking
It’s no secret that smoking cigarettes and vaping is damaging to our health. Studies have shown that cigarettes are the leading cause of preventable diseases and death in the United States, but yet, 12.5% of the U.S. population smoke. Why is that? It’s because smoking is a (more or less) socially acceptable way to numb emotional pain. It provides a warm feeling of comfort that serves as a substitute for something that is missing in our lives: Unconditional love. We develop a personal relationship to the whole experience of smoking: lighting the cigarette, inhaling the smoke, and feeling the immediate release. In short, relying on toxic chemicals for liberation from pain is a curse in disguise.
9. Shopping Sprees
It’s a common misconception that filling our lives with material pleasures can make us happy. We strive for money and success our entire lifetime but can money buy us true happiness? We need to understand that pleasure and joy can be easily confused; pleasure is temporary while joy lasts forever. When we purchase something desirable, whether it’s a nice dress or a brand new car, we experience a satisfying rush that brings us TEMPORARY pleasure but no soul-fulfillment. This feeling is a substitute for pain that can lead to taking things a little too far at the mall.
10. Gambling
The exhilarating highs and lows of gambling is a sweet escape from internal suffering. Like an emotional rollercoaster, gambling makes us forget about suppressed pain by disguising it in either end of the emotional spectrum: Extreme satisfaction when winning or extreme sense of loss and failure when losing. If we are entering the poker game with an UNBALANCED subconscious mind, we gravitate towards these extremes and become susceptible to addiction and self-sabotage (and major financial casualties).
11. Restrictive Eating
Restrictive eating is another defense mechanism that the human mind can use to numb emotional pain. When living in denial of emotional suffering, we tend to feel a deep sense of powerlessness and lack of control. The one thing, however, that we do have COMPLETE control over is our food and water intake — our diet. This perception, combined with societal pressures to comply with the “fit and skinny” body image, is a terrible cocktail but an effective way to numb emotional pain.
12. Conformity
People pleasing and conformity is always the easy way out. When dealing with internalized, suppressed emotions that we are not ready to approach face-to-face, being a goody-two-shoes and mindlessly blending in with the masses is classic avoidance. It feels a lot safer to hide in the complacency of our comfort zone than to challenge our family’s, friends’, and environment’s expectations. However, growth and emotional abundance does not reside WITHIN the comfort zone…
“A ship in harbor is safe, but that is not what ships are meant for.”
– John A. Shedd
13. Partying and Going Out
You only live once, right? Carpe diem. Dance first, think later. Listen to any Jimmy Buffett song and you’ll know what we are referring to. It is not uncommon that we give into momentary pleasures above investing in our best selves. Going out, partying, and socializing is a great way to bond and explore human connection, but when drowning ourselves in social events, it becomes a way of keeping busy; a way of avoiding painful truths. WANTING to go out is fine, but NEEDING to go out is a mechanism to numb emotional pain. It is crucial to understand that in order to give to others, we must first give to ourselves. Ultimately, this lifestyle can be a justified way of avoiding alone-time, because we do not like the person looking back at us in the mirror.
14. Alcohol Abuse
There’s a clear distinction between USE and ABUSE . Nothing is wrong with a beer or a glass of wine now and then, but the real problem occurs when we rely on the warm feeling of alcohol as a source of unconditional love. Alcohol becomes a substitute to fill a void in our souls from something that is missing or too painful to express. When we abuse alcohol, it abuses us, and a destructive but strong bond forms between man and bottle.
15. Cheating
Over time, some level of pain and struggle in a romantic relationship becomes almost inescapable. Triggers get pushed and things are said (or unsaid) that lead to deep-rooted, emotional pain and an toxic cycle of hurt. If this pain isn’t properly communicated or accepted with vulnerability, we sometimes detach from our partner mentally. Rather than realizing the importance of the original relationship, we become susceptible to temptation, and may soothe our pain with the pleasures of a new partner. Check out these 5 easy exercises to love your romantic relationship to learn more about overcoming challenges with your partner.
16. Being a Tough Guy/Gal
In the United States, the suicide rate is almost four times as high for men than for women. Why is that? It is no secret that there are clear societal standards for men to be emotionally stoic and “tough”. “BE A MAN ” or “MAN UP “, boys are told from an early age. Showing emotions is weakness which isn’t man-like. They are rewarded for behaviors that emulate aggressiveness and toughness which shapes the destructive understanding: Your worth is equal to your ability to withstand hardship and suffering. Sooner or later, the subconscious will overflow with suppressed emotions leading to depression, violence, and suicide.
17. Excessive Traveling
France? Alaska? India? South Africa? Maybe all of the above. Traveling is an amazing opportunity that broadens our horizon to new cultures, perspectives, and ways of life. But at some point, the adventurous globetrotter should slow down and ask: Am I running TOWARDS something or AWAY FROM something? In a lot of cases, people covertly choose traveling as a defense mechanism to avoid difficult realities at home or numb emotional pain from their past.
18. Sex
It’s common for people to channel their pain into activities that feel good which is why sex can become be an outlet for pain. When this happens, we sometimes take things a little too far in the bedroom. In general, numbing internal suffering using sex can lead to lack of boundaries and a distorted image of the beauty of sexual connection and shared love.
19. Entertainment
TV, movies, gaming, music, podcasts, and thousands of apps — you name it; these channels of distraction are ALL AROUND US whether we’re in the supermarket, the living room, or restaurants. It is unbelievably common and socially acceptable to use entertainment as a distraction from internalized pain. Who wants to worry about getting old, when you can binge Netflix series eight hours a day? Constant use of entertainment keeps us preoccupied with “what happens in the next episode of…?” and prevents us from connecting with our true selves. Behind all the noise lies painful truths that could be the key to growth, purpose, and happiness.
20. Drug Use
There is no question that using drugs on a regular basis is extremely harmful to both body and mind, but what many people don’t realize is that addiction doesn’t just start with addiction; it starts with a need to escape from a painful reality. Drugs provide a “safe”, comforting mental space that we can escape to when the real world is too much to handle. Drugs are also becoming accessible in new shapes and forms that we aren’t necessarily aware of. For example, certain prescription drugs like Xanax, Adderall, and antidepressants can be harmful if we use them blindly. Instead of relying on EXTERNAL sources to numb emotional pain, we should look INWARDS to find what is missing.
21. Dating
Dating has NEVER been easier. In fact, we don’t even have to go through the awkward and vulnerable task of looking into another person’s eyes and asking them out. Just go on any dating app and take your picks. In a desperate search for love, we may forget that we already carry bleeding wounds and scars from previous relationships that have yet to be healed. We cannot give something we do not have, so we must give ourselves love and affection before seeking it from others.
22. Rage, Aggression & Violence
We treat others how we treat ourselves. When we subconsciously conceal our hurt, the pain we feel is sometimes projected onto others like when we feel triggered and aggressively snap at our significant other. Of course, acting out in rage has happened to all of us, but the tendency is the exact same when it comes to aggressive behavior and even violent crime. This goes for the bullied who becomes the bully or the cruel boss who makes others feel insecure because of his/her own insecurities. Exerting power over others is a classic and commonly used defense mechanism to numb pain that starts an evil cycle of hurt. Although our rageful reactions are deeply rooted in our subconscious, the result is clear: HURT PEOPLE, HURT PEOPLE .
23. Self-Harm
Self-harm is when your shoulder hurts so badly that you decide to smash your head against the wall to forget about the original source of pain. It is when we transform emotional pain into physical pain for temporary relief. Usually, the source of this pain isn’t physical but emotional and stems from deeply traumatizing experiences that we have never expressed properly. Self-harm is based on the false belief that we are worthy of pain and suffering and that we deserve it which is why finding your true self is CRUCIAL on the journey to self-acceptance and worthiness.
23. Shutting Down
Sometimes, when we are uncomfortable expressing the pain we feel inside, our brain shuts down and chooses INACTION . Because it feels more safe, especially in triggering moments, we shut down and subconsciously choose non-participation. A habitual pattern of emotional detachment is formed, and we become less engaged and more distant. This tendency is also known as spiritual stagnation.
24. Oversharing
We all know a person who shares a little too much personal information a little too quickly. Although we may be sharing painful experiences, giving TMI (Too Much Information) can function as a layer of protection from the pain. Putting the information “in your face” is actually a numbing mechanism that feels less painful than hiding it. “So is this the same as expression?” you probably thought. Great question! The answer is no… Expression comes from a place of love and understanding while oversharing comes from a place of desperation and search for acceptance.
“Using vulnerability is not the same thing as being vulnerable; it’s the opposite — it’s armor.”
— Brené Brown
25. Excessive Hobbies
Last but certainly not least, it is important to note that there are thousands of ways that our minds try to numb emotional pain. The outlets we choose aren’t necessarily harmful in their own nature, but if we use them COMPULSIVELY to escape from undealt-with emotions, they become harmful. Even generically healthy hobbies like reading, sports, music, gift-giving, cleaning, cooking (and the list goes on) can be self-destructive if practiced excessively.
Most Importantly…
Whether we realize it or not, when we experience something emotionally painful, we are presented with a choice: To suppress or express the pain. If we choose to shy away from the pain, we store it in our subconscious mind where similar events slowly rot and compile like the pile of dust under your couch (yup, we know about that too).
Over time, the pain stored in our subconscious will overflow and occasionally take the driver’s seat. This provokes destructive habits and behaviors that temporarily soothe or numb our internalized pain — behaviors that our conscious self may never approve of.
So, to the question we’ve all been waiting for… How do we break the deeply engrained cycle of using numbing behaviors to cope with pain?
The opposite of suppression is expression which is the key to defeating the painful cycle. In order to find healthy ways to express ourselves, we must find the courage to open Pandora’s box and face our fears head on. This process can seem almost impossible because of overwhelming suffering, but we MUST get comfortable with the uncomfortable.
Although we may not like what we find, it’s crucial that we are brutally honest with our discoveries and accept where we’re currently at. Awareness is what’s needed to turn subconscious REACTIONS into conscious ACTIONS . From here, the path of emotional healing will guide us towards balance and self-empowerment.
For a more in-depth inspiration on how to end a cycle of destructive behaviors, check out Guides for Growth’s other article: All You Need to Know about Outgrowing Bad Habits (in 3 Exercises).
Lastly, we remind you that a journey of a thousand miles starts with a single step. We want to encourage you to share this post with the people in your life in need of guidance and awareness. Thank you for choosing the path of growth.
Thank you for your time.
— Guides for Growth