All you need is love and you’ll be happy, right?
Anyone who has ever been in a romantic relationship for a longer period of time understands: It’s just not that simple. Relationships can get messy; and they DO — you can pretty much count on that. How we deal with the mess is ultimately what determines the sustainability of the relationship.
Dealing with the mess is a skill that often takes years to develop and sadly, MILLIONS of people never get to that point. Many lovers never learn to accept the mess as part of the journey — maybe even the most important part. They expect a PERFECT relationship which is why, when real problems arise, they detach. They fall out of love, they change, they betray.
The sad reality is that about 40-50% of all marriages in the United States end in divorce. FORTY TO FIFTY PERCENT . Ouch… What a terrifying statistic, but it’s clear that we have a problem. Surely, no newlyweds expect such a bitter ending to their marriage, and in the moment when they make the vow, they probably mean it when they commit to being together “until death do them part”. So what happens?
Long-term romantic relationships require work, and most people don’t fully comprehend that. Their conscious mind knows that communication is key, but when sensitive issues arise and feelings are hurt, they’re so quick to go mute. In short, be proactive, accept the bumpy road ahead, and BE BIG ENOUGH to do the work. You’ll know that it’s worth it when you feel the re-connection with your partner.
So, Guides for Growth want to teach you 5 simple exercises that YOU can do to maintain a happy relationship — just like taking out the trash or finally cleaning under the couch. Whether you are single, in the beginning stages of commitment, or at the brink of separation (or somewhere in between), these exercises will come in handy sooner or later. Let’s begin.
Relationship Exercise 1: Backtrack your anger
Anger is a basic human emotion that is pretty much inescapable in any relationship; it’s safe to say that it’s just going to happen, and that’s okay. What you do need to worry about is that it doesn’t happen too frequently or for the wrong reasons. Explosiveness is a toxic trait that can be avoided by backtracking your anger. This is a technique that brings forward the true emotions behind your anger — an eye-opening and sometimes shocking way to a less explosive relationship.
STEP 1 : Picture the last time you got angry with your significant other. Did you yell? Were you rude or made passive-aggressive remarks? Maybe you let a feeling build up all day (if not longer) until you finally exploded in anger. Either way, bring that moment back to life for a second.
STEP 2 : Now, think about the root of your anger. Where did it come from? What caused it? Be honest and just study it in your mind’s eye. Stop reading and think this through before you continue…
If you’re thinking it was your partner’s fault you got angry, then you’re not fully understanding what this is about. This is about what YOU can do better and not what your partner should’ve done differently. All pride aside. That’s how growth begins: Looking yourself in the mirror and asking what you can do better.
ALL evil stems from fear. That means EVERY angry, rude, or explosive action is fear-based. Fearful people are angry people. Angry because they are aimlessly trying to hold onto something that was never theirs in the first place. Fearful people are scared, and you cannot be truly happy if you walk around scared.
STEP 3 : Most people are scared of losing something. What were you afraid of losing in this scenario? Love? Respect? Your self-image? Or maybe THE BIGGEST REASON OF ALL : Were you afraid of losing your pride?
STEP 4 : Once you’ve located the source of your anger by being completely honest with yourself, ask yourself if there is a recurring pattern of your anger. Ask if you are okay with this pattern and if it’s in alignment with the person you want to be. Most likely, the answer will be no. So now that you’re aware of this tendency, you can start working on bettering yourself more concretely. A HUGE step in the right direction.
Relationship Exercise 2: Mentally correct your mistakes
We all make mistakes in our relationships. Small mistakes, big mistakes. Another simple exercise that YOU can do is “mentally correcting your mistakes” using visualization. This means that you envision a moment of regret; a moment where you didn’t act in accordance with your ideal self, and you correct it in your mind’s eye.
To use a simplified example, let’s say your partner said something rude that triggered you. In defense, you lost it, and yelled in his/her face, trying to protect you honor. Yikes… That’s obviously going to create more tension between you and your partner.
Now, see yourself doing the RIGHT thing. Over and over again. Kind of like muscle memory but in your mind. What you’re doing here is training yourself to behave the way you ideally wanted to behave — training you to be the best you. Instead of aimlessly regretting your mistake or mindlessly repeating it, what do you do? You LEARN FROM IT . Correct it, apologize sincerely, and move on.
The next time you are triggered by a rude comment, your mind and body will automatically know what to do because you’ve already lived it in your head hundreds of times. Smart right? And for the sceptics out there, there’s plenty of scientific evidence behind visualization — all it takes is a Google search.
Relationship Exercise 3: What could I do better?
The vast majority of people are quick to point fingers. This is an innate weakness in us, a defense mechanism protecting the ego, that you must learn to rise above. You must see beyond your own nose and approach life from a higher perspective. You’ve probably heard the phrase “be the bigger person” before, right? That’s what this is about.
When you point your finger at someone, three fingers point right back at you. Just see for yourself. In other words, don’t forget to consider your own actions before accusing others. In fact, making accusations have never been an effective way to deal with sensitive topics in relationships.
Instead, ask yourself: “What could I do better?” Be honest with yourself. Then tell your partner about your findings and invite him/her to ask the same question. This will disarm your partner and show that you care for more than yourself. You are not just laying down ready to be stomped upon, but you are putting down your weapon and reaching out your hand saying: “Let’s talk about it”. You are being the bigger person.
With this exercise, you are creating a win-win situation for you AND your partner. After completing it, you’ll both feel a lot lighter, creating room for positive emotions; a GREAT way to deal with arguments that seem to go on forever.
Relationship Exercise 4: The Law of Reciprocity
The Law of Reciprocity states that when people receive something, they feel compelled to return the favor. If you smile at a random by-passer, there’s a really good change that person will smile back. A nice gesture is likely to be sent right back your way — you get the picture. Knowing this, we should take advantage of it in our relationship, because, again, it’s a WIN-WIN situation.
This exercise is based on the power of complimenting. When we think of giving compliments, our minds usually go straight to the physical stuff like clothing or style. But in a relationship, genuine compliments directed to your significant other’s personality or efforts can really awaken feelings of love and mutual respect.
We like to be liked, and when you feel appreciated, confident, and in a good mood, you will also be more kind and loving. Don’t you want to make your partner feel like that? Don’t you want your partner to make YOU feel like that?
Notice if your partner is trying to change something about himself/herself or if you feel him/her putting a lot of effort into a certain part of your relationship. Compliment the heck out of that. We call this “mutual self-enhancement”, and it’s a very simple but effective tool that we often forget about in our fast-paced lives. You, alone, hold the power to make everyone around you happier and better — USE THAT .
Relationship Exercise 5: Four-minute eye contact
Here’s a fun one. Or maybe fun isn’t the right word — eye-opening or captivating may be more accurate. This exercise is used to evoke feelings of empathy among strangers, but it also works great with people closest to you.
STEP 1 : Sit across from your partner with nothing in between you. Try to limit outside noise as much as possible so throw your phone in the nearest dumpster (please don’t actually do that cause you’ll need it).
STEP 2 : Set a timer (yes, on your phone) to four minutes and place it out of sight.
STEP 3 : For four minutes, sit in silence and look DIRECTLY into your partner’s eyes. Try not to look away too much and you’re not allowed to touch. Let your thoughts run freely and feel what happens.
STEP 4 : Share how you felt and what you were thinking about.
This exercise can feel very intense and can be slightly overwhelming. It’s not uncommon that, after a brief moments of awkward silence, both smiles and tears emerge, so welcome those natural reactions and embrace whatever your partner’s eyes bring to light within you.
The author of spirituality Paulo Coelho wrote that “the eyes are the mirror of the soul“. So when you look into someone’s eyes, your souls are communicating — no words needed. This is a GREAT way to re-connect with your partner, so give it a try.
Most importantly…
To live, you need love. As human beings, we long for intimate connection. This is what relationships and families are for. But since you are reading this, you’re probably well aware that relationships aren’t always easy even though you truly love the person you’re with.
In Western culture, we’re so quick to detach and look for love elsewhere. We live in a “Thank you, next”-culture which prevents us from seeing what could be right in front of us if only we’re willing to do the work.
In relationships, you sometimes disagree on things and feelings get hurt, and that’s okay as long as you work towards embetterment. As long as you’re growing. Conflict is fine. Conflict is HEALTHY if you approach it the right way.
So… Use these 5 exercises to help your romantic relationship and remember to share this post with the people in your life who could benefit from hearing it — especially if this person is YOUR partner. Thank you for your time and we wish you the best of luck with your significant other.
Guides for Growth